The Great Ewok Prank
by Macilwen
Summary: Unfortunately, Wes Janson is scheming to prank his commanding officer, Wedge Antilles...will he be able to pull it off with the help of the rest of the Wraiths? No slash, never slash. Takes place during X-Wing: Wraith Squadron.
1. SDFGTs and other acronyms

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the guys in this story. And I'm just guessing at where Luke was at the time. Although it's an exceedingly educated guess.

time period: During the book Wraith Squadron.

Dramatis Personae: Lieutenant Wes Janson, Garik "Face" Loran, Eurrsk "Grinder" Thri'ag, Tyria Sarkin, Wedge Antilles, Jesmin Ackbar, Ton Phanan, Kell Tainer, Myn Donos, Falynn Sandskimmer, Hohass "Runt" Ekwesh, Voort "Piggy" saBinrig

A special appearance by: Luke Skywalker!

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Grinder looked up from where he was doing.something.with a datapad. "Say, Face, I'm done with that Captain Darillian program. Do you want to try it out?"

Face grinned, his scar sort of distorting his features. "Sure."

Jesmin winced. "Don't do that, it makes your scar distort your features."

"Aw, Jesmin, that's the point. Can't I have any fun with my scar?"

Grinder sighed in exasperation. "Look, let's just run the Darillian program, OK?"

Wes Janson poked his head into.where are they anyway? What say the comm center?.the comm center. "Grinder's done with the Darillian overlay program thing? C'mon, Face, we're going to test it out." Face did the scar-distort-features grin thing (a.k.a. SDFGT) again. Grinder sighed and Jesmin winced. "Grinder, put the program on the comm-thing." (A/N-I've temporarily lost my _Wraith Squadron_ book, so things will be referred to as.things. And the Darillian Overlay Program Thing is now the DOPT) 

"Done."

"Right. Face, do you know how to operate the DOPT?"

Face did the SDFGT again again. "No, but I suspect Grinder will teach me how very soon."

Grinder said, "He could probably figure it out on his own." (evil look from Janson enters the story) ".but, I'll explain anyway. All you have to do is turn the comm-thing on, type Darillian Overlay Program Thing into the keyboard-thing, and pull this lever-thing." He tried to ape Face's SDFGT, but, seeing as he didn't have a scar, it didn't work.

Face did as instructed. "Lieutenant--"

"Call me Janson, or Wes. 'O Envy of all Taanab' will do as well."

(Janson's evil look defects to Face and becomes merged with the SDFGT, making it the ESDFGT) "Wes. Where do you want the holo sent to?" 

"What say the auxiliary bridge? Grinder, how do you get into the auxiliary bridge?"

Grinder muttered, "Why does everyone ask _me_ these things?" (Janson's defecting evil look defects back to Janson) "All right, all right. Identify yourself by voice, password 'Agamar Rules the Galaxy'."

"Jesmin, you go down and get ready to receive the transmission." Jesmin nodded, and winced as Face did his SDFGT, which was no longer evil because the evil look had redefected to Janson. "And Face, stop distorting your face." Face smirked. "And lose the smirk." Face lost the smirk. Janson took a deep breath to steady his nerves. _Subordinates can be so immature at times_, he thought. _Then again, so can I. And it has the added advantage of annoying Wedge--and Tych, and Hobbie--half to death._ "Face, ready to transmit?" 

Face concentrated, then smiled the smile of Darillian. Not to be mistaken with the SDFGT. "Ready."

Janson switched his comlink on. "Jesmin, ready to receive the transmission?"

Her voice came back. "Just as long as Face doesn't do the SDFGT."

Face smiled the Darillian smile again. "Don't worry, I'm being Darillian now."

"Oooh, scary. I'm petrified with fear. Send him through."

Janson clicked the comlink off and intercepted a worried look from Face. (A/N: Looks are flying all over today! Goodness!) "What's up, Face?"

"What am I supposed to say?"

"Anything you like."

Face muttered, "Very inspiring, aren't you, Wes?" He straightened up and pushed the button to begin transmitting. A small holo of Jesmin appeared on a small dais. (A/N: Read a dictionary.)

Jesmin looked a bit worried. "The DOPT isn't working."

Grinder reminded him, "The lever-thing, Face."

"Oh, right," Face said, and pulled the lever-thing. Jesmin visibly relaxed. "Nothing personal meant here, Jesmin, I have to be an Imp officer.Why are you on my -- _my -_- ship, you piece of alien scum?" During the second part of his sentence, Face managed to put such rage into his voice that Jesmin took one step back. "Attention!" Jesmin snapped sharply to attention. "Now answer the question!" He watched, his face contorting in purely fake rage, as Jesmin started to stammer an answer. "Can you not understand Basic? I said, _Now answer the question._ Is that clear enough for you, or do I have to get a translation droid to explain it to you in Mon Cal?" His voice became sickeningly sweet.

Janson interrupted. "Face, that's enough. Nice performance, but don't insult Jesmin."

Face switched the lever-thing and somehow managed to keep from doing the SDFGT. "Sorry, Jesmin. Nothing personal meant." 

Jesmin smiled. "Not taken personally, Face. You're a good actor."

Janson said, "Back to the comm center, Jesmin."

"Yes, O envy of all Taanab."

Janson's betrayed look took over his face as the holo linked out. Face laughed at his expression, then turned thoughtful. "You know, I haven't been able to act for a good while. That felt really good. Not the insulting Jesmin part," he added hurriedly as both Grinder and Janson looked at him. "Just the 'purely fake rage' part. Was fun."

Grinder nodded. "And creating the DOPT was a challenge whose equal I have not had for quite a while."

Janson's evil look came back from the Void, where Morgoth had been keeping it safe and nurturing it. Because of Morgoth's nurturement, it looked even more evil than before. "This whole thing is giving me an idea for a prank."

Grinder muttered, "Pranks are stupid."

"Not if they're well-thought-out." Jesmin entered the comm center. "What kind of prank are you thinking of, precisely?"

"Well, when Wedge and I were interviewing candidates for the Wraiths, I managed to trick him into thinking that an Ewok pilot was trying out for the squadron. Really got him going. I was thinking."

".that Grinder could make a EOPT (Ewok Overlay Program Thing) and send a message to Wedge with it." Face finished, unable to resist the temptation to do a SDFGT. 

Jesmin winced at the SDFGT, but quickly recovered her composure. "One question, Wes. Where do we get sufficient data for an Ewok overlay?"

Face answered, "I'll ask the Wraiths if they know where Ewok holos can be found in great quantities. The real question is, why would an Ewok want to contact Wedge? And is Grinder up for the challenge?"

"To get into the squadron, of course!" said Janson. "We can use the story that I made up for Lieutenant Kettech. That's the name I made up for the nonexistant Ewok. That involves having an overlay with prosthetics." He looked at Grinder questioningly.

"That'll be hard.but I think I can manage," Grinder said.

"Good." Janson gave an Evil Grin Thing. "Now all we need is a whole bunch of Ewok holos."

The EGT spread. "Right. I'll start asking around," said Face, and left, followed by Grinder, Jesmin, and Janson.

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Please go easy on me! This is my first SW fic and it's hard to keep the people in character when you only have one (or in Janson's case, two) books with them in it and you've lost it.

Please review!

Namarie,  
Mac


	2. Of Janson's Troubles

Disclaimer: (1) no-one's mine (except Phanan's cousin, if he shows up) and (2) it's my mind's fault.

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Face leaned in towards Tyria and Falynn. All three of them were seated in the lounge of the _Night Caller._ Wedge, fortunately, was on the opposite side of the lounge, so he could not hear the conspiratations of the conspirators. "Janson, Grinder, Jesmin, and I are planning a prank on Wedge." 

"That sounds sort of like fun," Tyria said doubtfully.

Face gave his famous SDFGT. Falynn winced. Face, noticing this, said, "You, too? Well, on with the prank plan. The Darillian overlay program thing (DOPT) is up and working."

Falynn asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Face answered quite seriously, "It shows that Grinder isn't a _total_ moron." Tyria and Falynn tittered. Face did a diabolical grin thing and continued. "Also, it shows that we can do an overlay program thing. Apparently, when Janson and Wedge were interviewing pilots for the Wraiths, Janson played a semi-prank on Wedge. Told him that an Ewok was attempting to get in the squadron. Got him going real good."

"I still don't get what that has to do with…oh. Make an EOPT and transmit a message to Wedge with it." Falynn did a passable imitation of Face's diabolical grin thing.

"Yeah. The only problem is that Grinder did the DOPT from a whole bunch of Darillian holos. So we need a lot of Ewok holos."

"I know someone who probably has a whole bunch," said Tyria. "But he'd never give them to us."

"Why not?" asked Falynn. Face, too, looked puzzled.

"I really don't suspect that Master Skywalker would give us Ewok holos so that we could play a prank on his best friend." Tyria looked apologetic.

"You, Falynn? Any contacts that might possibly have Ewok holos?" Face asked. Her face gave her all the answer he needed. "Well, my dear ladies—" Falynn looked disgusted and Tyria just grinned "—sorry to disappoint you, but I must be off to ask more people if they have Ewok holos." To be purposely annoying, Face did a SDFGT as he rose and was off.

"I swear," said Falynn, shaking her head at Face as he walked over with his typical actor's strut to Phanan, "that man will annoy someone to the point where it causes his death someday."

"I wouldn't doubt but that you're right."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Janson was having no better luck. Piggy had been no help, nor had been Kell. In fact, Kell had just stiffened up and become this quivering mass of muscle and bone, refusing to meet Janson's eyes. _I think that by killing the father – by the Force, I didn't want to! If I hadn't, more people than Doran would have died. I did the only thing I could! – I lost my chance with the son. _ It hurt, sort of. Janson sighed. _And he has explosives. Sithspit, this is hard! I wish I could feel safe with my own people._ _Well, Wedge says that I'm in no danger. Speaking of Wedge…_ Janson grinned. He walked over to Myn Donos. Myn sat alone, by himself, apparently thinking. He started when Janson sat down beside him. "Hullo," he said without enthusiasm.

"Hi, Myn," Janson said. 

"Anything in particular you wanted to talk about, or is this just a pleasure call?" Ever since the death of Talon Squadron and almost losing his droid, Myn had not been at all sociable, shutting himself off from the rest of the Wraiths. In fact, he almost ignored them completely.

"Well, yes, there was, actually." Janson wondered what the matter was with Myn. _He's not been himself for…for…oh, never mind. I've had pilots die under my command before, and this hasn't happened to me. _Noting the odd look that Myn was giving him, he launched into the speech he had given to Piggy and tried to give to the tight, bunched-up ball of muscle that Kell had been. "I and some of the other Wraiths are planning to do a prank on Wedge." Janson paused for a moment. Myn, giving no indication that he was listening, was staring at the ground. _Oh, why did I volunteer to ask Kell and Myn? One wants me to die, and the other's acting mentally deranged. _Gathering himself, he plunged on. "The thing is, for this prank to work, we need a whole bunch of Ewok holos."

This caught Myn's attention. "Ewok holos? Whatever for?"   


Janson explained about the prank he had played on Wedge while they had been interviewing pilots for the squadron. "So," he concluded, "Grinder's going to make an Ewok overlay program thing and Face is going to do his acting bit and we're going to send a message to Wedge."

"Sounds interesting to me, but I'm sorry, I can't help you there. You know," Myn continued thoughtfully, "probably the only person who has access to that amount of holos is Wedge."

Janson sighed. "You're probably right." _And we can't ask him_, he added to himself. _He's supposed to be the prank's victim._ He put on a smile as he rose. "I'll go see if some of the other pilots might be able to access the Ewok holos. See you!"

Myn replied, "Good bye, and good luck!" and retreated back to his thoughts.

Janson walked away from Myn feeling as if he was walking away from someone who desperately needed his help.

~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later, Grinder, Jesmin, Face, and Janson met back in the comm center. "Well, any luck?" Janson asked.

Face grinned. "Yes, actually. Ton has a cousin who works in the New Republic archives."

Ton poked his head in the comm center. "Does that mean that I get in on the secret prank meetings?"

Janson laughed. _Ah well, why not? It's his cousin._ "Sure."

Ton entered. "What's more, I have already contacted Arnot and he can send us copies of Ewok documentaries, a holo of the celebration party on Endor after the destruction of the second Death Star, and a whole bunch of things. They should all be here tomorrow."

"Great! I suppose that's all that we had to talk about then. Meeting dismissed!"

Minutes later, the comm center was deserted.

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Well, that means that Luke Skywa – oh wait, Luke was mentioned. That counts as a special appearance.

For anyone who really must know, Arnot's last name is Weyal and he's my generic I-have-no-clue-what-to-name-this-guy name. He's actually supposed to be a king's brother.


End file.
